The Prince and the Pea
by chaann
Summary: AU - Based on The Princess and the Pea. But more fun. Warning: really bratty Deidara. Yaoi. Swearing. Hahahhaha


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There once was a man named Sasori, but he was not just any man - he was a prince! Who wanted to marry the perfect princess. He searched far a wide and spent a long time looking for the perfect princess, but all of them had something wrong with them. At least, what he deemed was wrong.

One was far too ugly, one had horrid snoring problem, one wore too much make up and perfume, one hated art, one was useless, one was very dumb, one was way way too tall for the short prince, and he was pretty sure the last one wasn't even a REAL princess. In fact, none of them seemed like real princesses! The nerve of some people!

Sasori had seen pretty much every Princess throughout the nation. All were wrong, wrong, wrong.

One dark rainy night a rotten sewer rat and a horse came knocking on Prince Sasori's castle door. The rat - who on a closer look - appeared to be girl, claimed to be a Princess. The Princes grandmother, Queen Chiyo was overjoyed that a Princess had shown up at the door. It was obvious her arrival had not been planned, and for her to come at such a time, she surly had no time to prepare a lie, or was here to look like a fool impressing her grandson.

The girl was brought in and while being cleaned up, Queen Chiyo set on her way to plan the Princesses bed. Surely a Princess would know a life a luxury and would notice even the smallest lump in her mattress. Six thick goose down mattresses upon six others were arranged, and in the middle was placed a small pea.

The Prince came downstairs and gave his Grandmother a cross look. "What is the hag up to?"

As soon as he thought that, a hand tapped his shoulder and he came face to face with the most lovely princess he had ever seen. Long blond hair, dazzling blue eyes...She wore no make up or perfumes, she was tall - but not so much taller than the prince. She didn't look like someone who would snore and...

"Princess...if that is what you are...Do you like art?"

The unknown Princess tossed a lock of her semi-wet hair behind her shoulder before letting out a low and dark chuckle. "In a way yeah, I'm a princess - That's notta lie." Prince Sasori raised a brow. "And yes, art is a burning passion that flows through my veins! Art is a bang!"

Prince Sasori bit the inside of his cheek, that artistic passion sure was sexy... However, the princess was not very lady-like. He wanted to marry royalty, not some scum that wished to be such. However, daaaaang this girl was fiiiiine.

Little did the residing Queen or the Prince know that in their presence was indeed royalty, however not a Princess but a spoiled rotten, loud mouthed prince named Deidara. The loud mouth was a given, but the reason he was sooo spoiled was because of his hyper physical sensitivity - meaning the boy felt everything. His body was tender, his tongue was sensitive to everything! He was also either too hot or too cold and he bruised easy. Deidara felt everything to the extreme.

While Sasori gaped, the boy walked passed Sasori and climbed a ladder to the top of the bed and proceeded to flop down. The Queen and Prince were about to take their leave before the immediate hopping up and very loud, distressful, "Nnnnoooope!"

Prince Sasori and Queen Chiyo quickly looked back at the Princess on the bed. Sasori with worried eyebrows and a knowing smirk on the Queens face.

"My dear sweet princess," called out the Queen "What is wrong?"

Prince Deidara very very ungracefully hopped down from the twelve mattresses, not even using the ladder again and marched up to the Prince in particular, "I'm your guest! I'm Royalty! And here you are givin me a mattress with a hard lump!"

Deidara turned around and picked up the back of his night shirt in attempt to show him the bruise that was now on the small of his back. Too bad for Deidara's case as Sasori quickly adverted his eyes in respect, but not lasting for long when he heard the noise coming from his Grandmother.

Prince Sasori opened one eye and glanced down at the pea sizes bruise that the Queen was looking at and began to sweat. He had never seen a woman's back before...well..he had seen his grandmothers...Ew.. And honestly, it wasn't what he expected. The back looked a lot like any other males, not a fatty hour glass like he would have expected from a young lady - this was slender and muscular. Actually, it was pretty sexy too.

Queen Chiyo began clapping sporadically and jumped up and down, "Young Lady! You MUST be a Princess! Only a princess would be so delicate and be used to a life of luxury to be bruised by a pea!" Chiyo trotted over to the bed and reached in the middle mattress and pulled out the pea and then turned to her grandson and grabbed a hold of his hands, "Darling we have found your Princess! Both of you go to bed right now! This weekend you will be married!"

With that the Queen ran out of the room to start planning the wedding. So late at night too. Crazy old hag.

Sasori turned bright pink when he saw his Princess turn around, his eyes lingered a little too long on her midriff which looked very toned. Man this girl worked out, and dang it was sexy.

The Prince gasped, "My fair Princess - I don't even know your name, or what Kingdom you're from! My name is Prince Saaori - " he froze.

Prince Sasori shrunk away at the rather disgusted look he received from the very lovely Princes and watched as the girl dropped her shirt and turned around walking to the bed. She raised a slender leg and kicked the tall stack of down mattresses and watched as at least eight of the twelve of them - including the blankets and pillows - fell over. That was hot.

"You have got to be kidding me, yeah!"

That caught Prince Sasori's attention again - she sounded different! Rather rough, poor manners... Was she sick?

"I saw a Kingdom and I needed shelter! Not a husband! Never a husband! No matter how cute, yeah!"

Sasori ran a hand through his red hair, she had a good point there. What was a lovely Princess doing all alone in the rain, obviously far away from her castle with just a horse?

The Princess stomped over to a chest that was strapped on the back of her horse and unlocked it pulling out a large sword, "What would my Grandpa say? My cousins would never ever let me live this down, yeah!"

The Prince being unarmed took a couple large steps back and raised his arms, "Do not hurt me!"

"I ain't gonna hurt you, yeah!"

Sasori stood and made himself look taller and puffed out his chest looking the Princess in pajamas up and down. She couldn't be so tough, she got a bruise on her back from lying on a pea for goodness sake!

"Stranger who talks strange, who are you?"

Deidara let out a snarl, "I talk funny? You're one to talk, loser!" The 'Princess' put both hands on 'her' hips and raised a nose high to the sky, "I am Deidara, yeah! Prince of the Kingdom of Iwa and heir to the throne!"

Sasori sucked in his lips and his eyes bulged out. The Kingdom of Iwa was a vast and powerful country - much bigger than the rinky dinky plot of land he was to inherit, and here he mocked the Princes way of speaking, called him and girl and had his Grandmother, the Queen, announce their engagement without asking first.

"Prince Deidara I am so sor - " he stopped, "No, I am not sorry you Brat! What did you expect coming in here pretending to be a lone Princess looking for shelter in the Kingdom of a single, attractive Prince?"

"Heaven forbid a girl seeks shelter without being forced into marriage and oogled at, yeah!"

"What even is an 'oogle'?!"

Deidara puffed out his cheeks and stomped his feet, "It means looked at like - creepily, you creep!"

"At least I do not dress and pretend to be a woman! Why are you doing so anyway?" Sasori growled.

"To prove my Grandfather and cousins wrong, yeah!"

Sasori took a deep breath and lowered his shoulders in an attempt to calm down. Might as well be the civil person here. "You are the heir, what would you have to prove?"

Deidara looked down and pushed his blond fringe behind his ear, "I got bruised by lying on a pea - I'm so sensitive! I feel everything times ten, yeah!" He tossed his sword away back into the chest. He had made his point, maybe.

Prince Sasori's mouth went into a shape of a 'o' and nodded before looking down. That was the same reason he had looked down on Deidara. Well, that and he thought he was dealing with a weak Princess. He looked up and gave the blond he full attention before Deidara continued.

"I went on an adventure to prove to them that I'm not weak! I get picked on all the time, like I can't even eat spicy food! Oh and - " he stopped abruptly before turning bright red and looking down again. Way down.

Sasori raised a red brow before leaning into him, "And...?"

Deidara bit his lip and looked up briefly before looking back down quickly, "You can't laugh.."

Sasori nodded and raised a hand in an oath like manner, "I swear to not laugh."

Deidara looked up again for the second time and back down and murmured, "ehgehturnonquicklynnbadly."

"What?"

"Ehgierectionesily."

"Prince Deidara, brat, one more time."

"I get turned on easy! I get erections from the littlest things!"

Sasori's eyes bulged and he burst out laughing, grabbing his sides while doing so. Deidara on the other hand grabbed all his long blond hair and pulled it in front of his face and hid behind it before running over to the collapsed mattresses and siting roughly on them.

"You jackass, yeah! You said you wouldn't laugh! You laughed! I hate you! I hate you, yeah!"

The redhead approached deidara and flopped on his behind roughly beside the blond, he continued to laugh, but while doing so - Deidara raised a fist and went to swing a punch at Sasori's fist only to have it caught. Sasori held the arm and twisted it to Deidara's back and pushed him against the cushioned floor.

Prince Deidara let out a cry of distress and wiggled furiously in distress and in pain, "My arm! My arm! My arm! You pig! You pig! You piiig!"

Sasori lent down and licked the blonds ear, "You know, you're pretty cute too...yeah."

The blond shivered and turned even more pink when he remembered he had called this pig prince cute earlier and let out a groan before tossing his head over his should and landing a quick kiss on the corner of his attackers mouth before having it become painful and snap back down into the mattress.

"Lemme go and kiss me you Pig!"

"With pleasure, brat!"

Sasori unhanded the other Prince and let him wrap his arms around his neck, giving the foreigner full access to his mouth. It didn't last for long though as he ripped his lips from the blonds and began going at his neck.

"No pig! I said kiss me not eat my neeeeck~"

Sasori pulled up a little, "Brat, stop calling me a pig..." But didn't get to finish as he looked down and almost burst out laughing again as he saw Deidara had a full hard on. He wasn't lying when he said he got erections easily. Sasori hummed, in fact if he got hard easy - that means he's cum fast too. How cute.

Deidara was fed up with Sasori's halted movement and shifted his body and head down to reach the red heads and began planting kisses all over him in random places. Sasori let out a chuckle at the blonds eagerness to just kiss and bit his lip to hold in another when he received a kiss on the eyelid.

Sasori decided to move things along and grabbed the blonds hips and ground down against them, "Unnn ~ Dammit Sasori! You're going to leave my hips black and blue, yeah!"

"Good."

Sasori couldn't help but smile at all the sexy moans coming from the Prince below him. He spent so long being so sure he wanted a Princess, when he could of have gone out looking for a lively Prince.

However if he hadnt put in the effort, he may not have met this rambunctious blond.

He reached down and pulled off the pajamas and slowly began jerking the blond Prince off while thinking about how they weren't married...yet and oops. He raised a hand and smiled at the cum dripping from it.

"You stupid loser, you better wipe that stupid loser look off your stupid loser pig face this instant, yeah!"

A sly smirk went across sasori's stupid loser pig face as he pressed an arm across Deidara's chest to hold him down and slowly reached the cum covered hand down to his prey's face.

Deidara began rapidly tossing his head back and forth squealing, "Now now, who is the pig now, Brat?" And slathered it all over Deidaras clamped shut mouth.

Blond eyebrows furrowed in anger that quickly changed into sorrow as he gave Sasori a pitiful look. Prince Sasori couldn't deny the blond and swooped down giving a passionate kiss. He laughed into the kiss at Deidara's displeased noises and the feel of a crinkled expression below his lips, but the look of the blonds face when he pulled away was all worth it.

The blond was very pink and drenched in sweat, he was also sporting another very hard erection. Boy Deidara wasn't kidding when he said he got turned on easily.

Sasori sat up and removed all his clothing and then Deidara's shirt, "Shall we move on the the fun part now, brat, yeah?"

Deidara grunted, "Stop mocking me, yeah. You're the loser who talks dumb." but still spread his legs and raised them giving Sasori a good view.

Sasori raised three fingers to the blonds mouth and when Deidara took them in, he spat down on the puckered hole and left it there.

"Eh way, whay am I ohn da ottom, yeh?" Deidara grumbled against sasori's fingers as he squirmed against the other hand switching between playing with his nipples and stroking its master off.

"This is a treat for you, brat. You were given the gift of sensitivity - " Deidara sent him a cross look " - yes, and I am here to show you how good of a gift it is..."

Sasori removed the fingers and placed one at Deidara's wet entrance and let it slide in. Bruised hips rolled down on the finger pushing it in faster than what Sasori planned.

"Take it easy, Brat. Relax." As he pushed the finger in and out slowly only to have Deidara continue to push back on it faster and faster.

"Put another finger in, jackass!"

Sasori let out a tsk, "Such fowl language for someone in your position, I -"

"I can call for help and have a chamber maid come rushing in to my rescue and she will see her Prince raping a bruised Prince from another land, yeah!"

Sasori quickly added all three fingers an began thrusting them in and out quickly, not giving the blond much time to adjust. He didn't need it since at the first stroke of his prostate being touched, a very loud moan filled the room and that's all the blond could focus on.

"Mooore~"

Sasori scissored twice and then quickly struck that spot again, "More what?"

"More you loser Pig jackass!"

Red eyebrows furrowed as he let a hand go up and grab the blonds dick and give it a rough stroke while rubbing his prostate with the other hand. "I would prefer something nicer while I am doing this, perhaps something like-" he did it again to the blond "- Danna?~"

Deidara let out another moan and reached down to grab Sasori's wrist and guide his fingers out. "Put your dick in there and do that and I might reconsider, Pig."

Sasori spat on his hand and rubbed it on his length quickly before lining himself up with the stretched hole and slowly began to slide in. Deidara's head flopped to the side and he bit into the tender flesh of his underarm. Sasori stopped half way and pried Deidara away from his arm and to his face and began kissing him again which Deidara happily accepted. Deidara screamed into the mouth though when the other Prince slammed the rest of his dick into him and held onto his hips.

"Dammit, Pi-"

Sasori started to pull out.

"Danna no!"

Sasori smirked and the retraction of being called a 'Pig' and slid back in slowly and began to wait for the blond to adjust.

Prince Deidara finally looked up breathlessly and gave him a nod, "Go easy, and then on my command you can go faster..."

Sasori sent him a look.

"D-Danna...yeah.."

Sasori began to pull out slowly and push in a little faster then when he entered. This kept up and the blond didn't even notice until a loud, "Right there! Dannaaa more!"

Sasori reached his arms down and slid them under the blond and grabbed the back of the slender shoulders pulling them closer together causing friction between Deidara's member and Sasori's stomach.

With every thrust was either a cry for 'faster' or a cry for 'more' and Sasori did not deny the other Prince anything and gave his all.

Again though,Deidara didn't last long and let out a cry as he came, causing the ring of muscle to clamp around Sasori dick increasing the friction for him. Sasori leant forward and began kissing the blond, breathing heavy at every dry patch of cum from earlier and came deep in his new lover. Or at least what he thought was his new lover...

The redhead slowly pulled out of Deidara and lifted him up onto his chest. The blond was out of breath and unresponsive and all Sasori felt was a pit in his stomach. Deidara was not a Princess - what would his Grandmother say? He chewed at his lip and held onto Deidara as he reached over for a blanket to cover them.

Once they were covered he looked down at the blank look in Deidara's eyes swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Uhm...Deidara, are you alright?"

Blue eyes shot up into brown ones and a rather cute pout grew on his face, "After we get married I get to be the one on top. It's embarrassing to cum so many times, you Cum Pig no Danna!"

Sasori let out a groan.

"Well, 'Danna' was in there - " but he was stopped by multiple kisses all over the face from Deidara.

Sasori kissed back just as random and just as sloppily as Deidara had and then sighed. "Time may change it - but in the future, may everyone know of the story of the Prince and the Pea."

"Mhmm, and you're Lord of the Losers, Danna, yeah"

Sasori laughed, "What, not Prince of the Pigs?"

"That works too, jackass."


End file.
